I did not spend much time with my brother lately... Really... Not much. Erm, second brother I mean. Every week I went back, we seldom see each other. Is either he is working in the afternoon or he's not home at night. We rarely have chance to meet each other, not even having dinner together. This has last for a few weekends continuously, included this week. I miss my brother =( I didn't have a chance to observe how's his life been going on. Happy? Upset? Tired? Healthy? Yes, I do know even I do not ask a thing. When I was young, I'm afraid of him so I often look at his face to make sure he's ok and he won't yell at me suddenly. I haven't seen him smiling for a few weeks. Maybe he did? Somehow my instinct tells me no. I'm worrying whether he is happy or not recently. I like to see him smile, because true happiness can show through his smile. My mood will always get better whenever I know he's joy. I don't know why, that's just how I feel all the time when I confirm he's happy at the moment. Aaaaand... when he's not happy, I'll be a little worry about him. Yet I could do nothing to cheer him up. I wish I could see him smile this coming week. Well, at least have one meal together?
Someone out there is trying to challenge my tolerance. I am fine with anything you tease about me, I can forget about it. Whereas you talk about something which isn't happening and spreading it around the world & you think it's SO FUN or proud to do so, you better watch out your mouth.
很久没有那么不爽 -.- I have not been so pissed since few months ago -.-
I'm not sleeping at this time... again =) What was I doing? Smiling. Lol. Doesn't make sense to you? Well, I am happy throughout the past 11 hours. I got back my friend. The feeling of happiness... we talked, we laughed, I was the one being bullied, being consoled, we care for each other. We're not having any same classes and both of us are busy with different matters. Assignments, homework, friends... We're really lacking out of spending time together. Chatting is really important between us. Sometimes we need time for 2, some time we can have groups. We share happiness, problems and anger. Most importantly, secrets x) Things that others might not understand while only both of us know what are we talking about. Finally we have time to hang out by doing assignments together. Today we went to the Ibrahim Maju!! I haven't been there for once in this semester until today! Miraculously that aneh still remember me! Haha! Imagine, last semester there was once I went to the same mamak thrice a night / midnight, ordered the same thing - Teh Tarik for thrice as well... How can he not remember me? Lol! I enjoy the moments that we smile, really have fun... It's not easy to gain real happiness as you know. I know the pain, that's why I would be glad to help people who I care to be happy too. I want happiness, as well as wanting my friends to live a happy life.
I appreciate the happiness I gained recently... because that's what makes me feel meaningful to live in this world.
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I guess I have accepted the truth that it's getting harder for me to believe in romance anymore. I meditated while I was on my way home from university just now, around 10pm. It's Saturday night and I was listening to Mix Fm. Love songs were on the air. The era of Westlife or Backstreetboys, those old love songs which most of us will love it and familiar with. I feel the way I felt is different when I listen to those songs. What I feel is... I suppressed my feelings underneath my heart. I wanted to enjoy the songs, by imagining the happiness from lyrics, but something's blocking me from doing so. Those lyrics are only based on the beautiful side of love. One can do everything for another because of love. One cares for another because of love. One says he or she will stay with another until forever because of love... Sound wonderful, isn't it? I really did want to feel the song with my heart, naturally, but I refused. I was actually fear of something. I asked myself "What is it? Why did I refuse to let go my heart and follow the song?" Night with nobody made my mind clear and I got my answer in just a few seconds. The desire of love and care is what I am afraid of to have. I might be desperate for having the love which I crave for yet I know it's hard for me to have the special love. Apart from that, my experiences taught me lessons not to believe in romance because most probably I might get hurt. I'm fragile, that's the truth when I'm facing love matters. Low EQ I have. That is why I don't want to have this desire so I blocked my feelings away from the songs. "Enough sadness!!" Voices from my heart telling me that... I can't take that much pain anymore. My heart is actually begging my mind to care more about my own feelings. Yes dude, finally I hear you.
Gratitude I showed, but some were not being bothered. I tried to give before I receive, some how results showed that people will not act the same as I do. Previously, I don't really care how people treated me. As long as they don't harm me, I'm fine. If they don't bother me, I won't bother them either. If people are being nice to me, I'll do the same to them... as simple as that. I thought that everyone will be nice to you if you be nice to them. Well, that was what I think how it was suppose to be. Sadly that recently I found out this theory doesn't apply to everyone. You're being nice to others doesn't mean others WILL be nice to you... Doesn't mean others will appreciate what you've done for them. Probably you're just a stepping stone for them to reach somewhere else. Or maybe even a tool for them. Of course, statement above refers to people who do not have serious attitude problems. For people with attitude problems, being nice to others definitely won't make any difference if people don't like you at all.
Believing is tough for me. Maybe in my mind I wanted to whereas my heart is not reacting according to my mind. *Heart comes after mind right? (' '.)* It's not letting go itself. I believed in things too easily, I trusted human too easily... Everything WAS easy for me to believe in. Maybe even now, certain things I still will that's why my friends like to tease me by making up some fake facts. Haha!! But that makes them and even myself laugh, proud of my silliness sometimes =) Just because of I couldn't fully trust people around me, sometimes I feel isolated. Surprisingly causing me to miss my high school days too. *Shame of me!* A feeling of insecure will occur naturally when I'm in university. I am wondering, will I find any heart-to-heart friends here? Having a very comfortable way of interacting, totally believing in each other, speak and act without any misgivings, telling random stuffs and you won't feel weird about it... I got to say sorry to a friend here... which I think I have not totally believing in her yet. Or maybe that is a feeling of "worry", I don't know. I guess I need time as well.
My tears actually rolled down after reading a passage written by a girl... Telling others proudly about her boyfriend. How protective, pampering and forgiving he is... The patience he has for her, supports he gives all the time and giving the best effort he could to get her what she wants. She has no doubt and doesn't hesitate, telling everyone that he is the best boyfriend in her heart. She's not trying to show off because you can really feel her deepest love to this guy and thanking God for giving a guy who loves her and do appreciate her. Words from the bottom of her heart - she hopes their journey will be an endless story. This probably sounds nothing to you, but it means a lot to me. How many people you could actually find they really do appreciate each other? I don't mean a single party, I mean both parties at a same time. Not much as I can say for nowadays. Don't only act like you appreciate but also appreciate from your heart... with care and love... every minutes every seconds. Never let a chance of regret to slip in between the two of you. Like unnecessary fights or arguments which cause sadness to appear are not suppose to happen. Love is all about happiness isn't it? Why do you want love which brings you only sadness most of the time? Both parties tolerate each other at certain times and not only one party do all the time. Never let a chance of regret to slip in between the two of you. Hiding things away from each other is never going to be the best choice. Honesty is the basic of gaining trust. You care about how he or she feels that's why you never hide. These are what I think appreciate means in relationship. I'm glad to see they feel happy to have each other... because that's not what you can see often. And another thing is, they don't complain each other in front of their friends. They like the merits of each other has until they don't mind about the demerits. Maybe you can understand how I feel when you see this couple. God bless them =)
Sometimes, things are just too obvious that no confirmation is needed from a certain party to decide whether it is true or false. What we see are all evidences to support our answers. If you've gone through all the situations before, it's much more easier for you to decide... And you know you won't be wrong.
Pei Yi ;) A 18 years old teenager. I know I don't looks like 18 but I am! lol. Currently studying in a university. I'm a Libra who cries easily especially when I feel sad and no solutions are able to solve the situations. Caring from people whom I care is the most important thing for me. Because those people usually means a lot to me. They bring plenty of joyful moments in my life... Of course, at the same time, they could hurt me a lot easily even by a word or an action. However, I won't get mad at them. I guess I've changed as time goes by? Haha! Oh and... I have very limited patience =x Especially when I want the work to be done but things don't go smoothly. I won't rush things like having a partner. I'll just wait and observe. Hmn, I would be a lil stubborn in some ways when I'm in a relationship. Life's all about sweetness & bitterness, isn't it? Welcome to my life ;D
